Once upon a time in 2011, we lost a baby that I thought was a boy. A few months later we lost identical twins, who were badly conjoined from the neck down. It broke my heart in ways that I didn’t know a heart could break. I am not ashamed to say that I still cry every once in a while if I think too hard about those lost babies.
But then in 2012 we got pregnant with J. Here was my little boy and the balm of my heart. All I could say was, “Thank you.”
Now, we’re pregnant with twin boys who are very likely identical. They are due at the end of January. My heart is so full I can barely choke out my “Thank you.” But it’s there. Every moment.
How was I to know that those losses were not the end of a story but a beginning? How could I have known that the family I thought I lost was the family I will gain? I can’t tell you why that timing wasn’t right for them to be born, but I can tell you that we are so grateful to be able to welcome them now.
Every pregnancy is different. When I was pregnant with J, coming off two losses, I couldn’t bear the thought of having to un-tell people I was pregnant another time. That was too much for me. We kept a very low profile, and if you weren’t someone we were very close to or someone we saw every day, you probably didn’t know I was pregnant until J was actually born. That was how I dealt with the uncertainty that haunted his pregnancy.
This time around I know that I’m going to need help. I’m going to need support. I feel confident that the boys are going to be healthy; so far they are growing great and doing well. I’m sharing this information with you. Incidentally, if you want to come and stay and hold babies in early 2015, we are accepting applications. I pray that the rest of this pregnancy goes smoothly, as well as the delivery, which I will have to make in the hospital for the first time. And I remain thankful for every moment—hard and easy—that comes after.