How often do we talk about the Mommy Wars? How often do we
feel judged because we didn’t do something others did? Or did it too much? Or
didn’t do it the same way? All the ways in which we feel judged have become
exhausting.
This morning I read a new comment on a Facebook inquiry I’d
posted to get some information on a new baby carrier. The people who had
responded so far had been polite and helpful. The new comment blasted us for
being judgmental of how other people use baby carriers. It was a “This makes me
sick. Why can’t we all just get along?” sort of comment. The thing is, no one
had said anything negative against other moms or even really against the
carrier in question. We’d speculated on why the manufacturer made some changes,
and someone who had tried the carrier commented that it wasn’t as comfortable
as the old version.
I was honestly rather amused at this sudden “drama” over
something pretty simple. It also gave me an A-ha moment. None of us had been intentionally
judgmental, but this mom felt judged,
not because of anything we said or did, but most likely because she was feeling
insecure. The person who did the judging was her! She judged herself, using
others as scapegoats.
Now, I don’t know this woman, and this post is not about
her. It’s about all of us. We have all had these moments when we take innocent
opinions or observations and turn them into judgments against ourselves. We put
H into preschool pretty early, even though she was our only at the time. It was
a decision we made for a lot of reasons, but most importantly, it worked for
us. It made sense for our individual family. When we first moved here I ran
into a lot of moms with kids H’s age, but many of those kids were younger
siblings. These moms were at home with their youngest in a lot of these cases,
and I heard a lot of talk saying, “I just can’t see sending Susie Q to
preschool, because if I do, then why am I staying home?” or “I just really want
another year at home with little Bertie before pre-K.” These are valid
opinions. These women had different families from me. They were not
super-subtle attempts to tell me that I was a lousy mother because not only was
my three-year-old in preschool three full days a week, but she’d done two
half-days the year before. Yet every once in a while, it did feel like judgment—because my decision
was different from their decisions and because I was occasionally conflicted
over my own decisions.
Some of the hottest topics that make moms feel most judged
are the same ones that many of us can easily feel conflicted over: where we
give birth, how we give birth, if we breast feed, how long we breast feed, if
we work, if we stay home, etc. Every mother at some time has been carrying
insecurities about her decisions on these topics. When she hears other moms
expressing themselves on how they’ve done something and why, it can be easy to
take the leap from intellectually understanding that the other moms are
expressing opinions to emotionally responding to difference with defensiveness.
From there it’s a tiny baby step to, “She’s judging me.”
There are of course times when people say mean things, on
purpose, to judge and hurt others. That is clearly not ok, and hopefully we all
avoid those people because they’re no good as friends. But the next time we
read something on Facebook or a blog or hear something in person and we start
to feel judged (or have someone accuse us of doing the judging), let’s all take
a breath and a step back and ask ourselves, “How do I feel about this topic? Am
I at peace with my decision? Does this person I’m in conversation with seem at
peace?” If someone is not secure in themselves, then they’re going to be
defensive, they’re going to lash out. It’s probably not personal. It’s a
reaction we all have to protect our families.
The best thing we can do is to acknowledge the unrest in our
own souls and grant grace to the unrest in others. We cannot grow, or get to
that place of peace, while we hold on to our insecurities. Explore them. Ask
questions. Discuss. You may learn something new that changes your mind or you
may find that you are re-affirmed in your decision. Either way, choose
discussion and fellowship—not judgment.
